AS OF OCTOBER, WHAT, 22ND? I AM STILL ALIVE, YES I'M STILL DOING ALL THIS CRAZYNESS, AND YES, I SUPPOSE YOU CAN STILL ORDER ALL THESE THINGS. I MAY EVEN MAKE THEM. OR, I MAY JUST BUY GIN, RUN OFF TO THE CASBAH, AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN... THAT'S JUST A RISK YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE, I GUESS.
Hey, I guess I don't have to speak in all caps. Oh look, a kind of a fleshy color... hmmmm. I guess people should know that I will, honest-to-god update more frequently now that I've found my friend's lapdog has all my passwords and the software to update my site. Tragically, instead of doing things we Really Mean To, we kind of a little bit end up floating down the river sometimes. In a boat. Sometimes with champers. Hey, how come we're not doing that right now? I mean, it's dark but, still... honestly. We need to rearrange our lives better. Don't mock me, you probably do too. Do YOU have enough champers in your life? I think not. I rest my case. Now, order some damn bunnies, you miscreant.
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Something dreadful in the mail each month to brighten your life. I encourage you to have them delivered to your office. $50 per month, plus shipping. Special occasion requests accepted. Gift subscriptions a specialty (see below). |  |
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• Prepayment for the level and the number of months you desire. Payment options Please send Check, Money Order, Cash at your own risk, Euros, or a polar bear skin rug to: Cat Grey Do NOT try to visit me there, it’s a dedicated address and not a storefront! Paypal All Paypal payments go to: 
Email with any questions. Don’t drink soap! Dilute! Dilute! OK! * The Fine Print $50 (plus shipping) per month is for a full Unfortunate Animal Club membership subscription for three months or more (less than three months, add $5 per month). You will be asked to review the Unfortunate Animal categories and tell me your top three favorite types. Your animal will most likely be a bunny or a bear. Tell me how many you want of each (e.g., “I want 5 months: 3 bunnies and 2 bears”). The creatures at the $50 level are the very best efforts I produce, and they will be “wrapped,” like a present from your really, really cool Aunt that you don’t actually have. It may be packed in leaves, wrapped in an odd length of fabric, a placemat, yards and yards and yards of string, joss paper—you just never know, and it won’t be the same twice. There will be a note from the Unfortunate Animal to you, written on god-knows-what, and it’s quite likely not to make a great deal of sense, or may be written in verse (Unfortunate Animals are very odd creatures, after all); unwrapping it will be an adventure in a different way each time. I do not make the same Unfortunate Animal for everyone each month, oh, no. I look at each person’s emails, and I think of all the clues I have about them: name, address, handwriting if I have a sample, email style, any hints of personality I am given. I make sure they will not get the same colour or style each month, and, finally, I listen to the rabbits and make a wild guess as to which thing to send them this month—then I go out and make it. The same care is taken in wrapping, and with the notes. I have sent whacked things on a whim only to hear back that it was the most perfect thing ever. Don’t expect miracles, but know that this is NOT a flower-of-the-month where in June everyone gets roses: this is the real deal, where I strive for certain expressions of the face and nuances of limb-twisting on an individual basis. You can opt for a lower-priced option, down to as low as $5. The levels are $5 (plus shipping), $25 (plus shipping), $40 (plus shipping), and $50 (plus shipping), and you prepay the number of months you desire. Explanation of what you get for the various price levels:
Shipping: Shipping is done at cost. Domestic is currently $5. For shipping outside the US, use USPS.com to calculate 1-pound Global Priority to you, and add that to your payment. Generally, Canada is $8, and other countries $9 to $11. Oh, and as a goodie to those of you shipping overseas (because I know it is so spendy), I will throw in some wrapping and a special note with your critter, on the house. P.S. Gin is still a perfectly acceptable payment/cost-covering option (and bribe), but please remember that you can’t send it via the U.S. Postal Service. Subscriptions: First off: current subscriptions are grandfathered into the old "shipping-included" rate. New subscriptions will be charged for shipping at the rates shown on this page. A subscription is defined as being a pre-order for at least three animals or three months. The grandfathered, pre-existing subscriptions include those of you who have already contacted me about Unfortunate Animals and are patiently awaiting reply. I refuse to punish polite folks who waited like good children for the right time to order, so I will take new orders (as soon as I can) at the old shipping-included price. Special instructions for gifts at the $50 and $40 levels If you want more than one month as a gift, just follow the instructions as previously stated. If you need a single gift, these words are for you! This option is only good for the $50 and $40 levels; for the others, proceed as normal. You will get to choose which animal is sent to your chosen, and the note can be your words or ad-libbed by Monsieur La Bête himself, and be from you or anonymous. Pick a style of animal and give a colour preference ("not pastels!" is a correct colour choice, too). Details about the person for whom the gift is intended is also helpful. NOTICE!!! It has come to my attention that more often than you would think, folks are opening a box to find a hairy or furry bundle and assuming it’s their creature. Unwrap it, fellas!! When I say the wrappings are odd, I mean sometimes you have to cut the bear right out of the clutches of odd things… if it’s not DEFINITELY an animal, keep looking. And always examine those critters for hidden features, sometimes they will mutter or sing when pressed. Leave no safety pin pinned! If, after reading this, anyone liberates a beast, please email your tale to me—it’s happened twice that I know of… for all I know a dozen of you have been silently fuming and cursing my name because you received a THING instead of your six-legged goat or whatever. Sorry for the delay… To anyone who has emailed me to place an order and hasn’t received a reply: I am slowly wading through all the email. I appreciate the patience, but I would also encourage anyone who feels they have somehow fallen through the cracks to please email me again. It could very well be that my oh-so-efficient spam filter has shuffled you off into the rubbish. Especially in the unlikely event that you used the word VIAGRA in the subject line. Here are some examples of the styles you may choose for your Unfortunate Animal:
Remember that every single critter is hand-made, so what you get won’t look exactly like what you see above. But it should at least be in the ballpark, depending on how many G&Ts I’ve had that night. There are many other styles that I’m forgetting at the moment. I still need to go dig around and see what else I’ve made over the years. Special requests will be treated as a commision and not a standard Unfortunate Animal. I can do Unfortunate Animals in greater numbers for wedding gifts, baby showers, birthday. Eventually, I would like to have a baby page, but for now know that I have made a mobile of singing, rotating knives and a polar bear fitted with bear jaws and claws (and music), a two-headed white rabbit in a top hat, and many other joys. You have but to ask. MORBIDITY RATING: When ordering an Unfortunate Animal, please give me the number of “skulls” you wish your critter to be rated at. The available range is 1 skull (slightly twisted) to 5 skulls (sick). COMING SOON: a pictoral guide to deciding upon a Morbidity Rating for your Unfortunate Animal! |
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